I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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