I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
