Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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