look no pants
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
