my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
