don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
