I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
