Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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