i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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