true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
