when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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