I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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