i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
