i just had sex bonerless
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
