Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
