You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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