I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
