Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
