I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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