guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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