Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
