shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
