i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
