Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
