I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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