Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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