listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize