You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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