cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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