I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
