Will you blow on my dice?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
