More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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