meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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