and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
