I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
