I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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