Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize