Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
