I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There's always time for handjobs
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
