Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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