Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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