he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
