Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
