i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
