the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
