No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You took a bar mat shot.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
