my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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