I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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