so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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