I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Blood and glitter go together right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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