I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Randomize