I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
