How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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