alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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