i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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