I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
