Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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