I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
